Life is kind of like organic chemistry. Well, at least my life, right now.
See, I have been studying Organic Chemistry for a for a little while now, and as I review mechanisms for my final in a few days, I realized that my life is like an Organic Chemistry equation.
It begins with a formula, simple and basic. It begins clean and clear:
End of Summer School--->Spain.
Suddenly, though, one has to examine the mechanism more closely. Wait, it can't just happen like that, its not that simple, other reactions need to take place before I find myself at my endpoint: End of summer school-->finals--->moving and packing--->Anniversary Party--->Goodbye Party for friends---->New York--->home again--->packing and over-all nervousness--->Spain.
And then there are transition states, oh those pesky transitions states, where bonds exist in a blurry half-formed state, and everything has a motion, but not a structure. In organic chemistry, I have never really struggled with the motions of the reaction, but the transition states? Oh, well those, those are another story. Transitions states have always given me trouble, because they are both there and not, both a mystery, and yet so transparently clear. In life, well, transition states are the car rides, the plane rides, the moments in between the moments, the moments where you have to stop, and think, what is happening? What am I doing to move myself from one place to the next? Suddenly little things, side equations, and catalysts become involved. Family, friends, transportation, time, money, weather, all those are my kind of catalysts. The transformation from one stage of life to the next, although simple when written out, becomes difficult to maneuver with the acids and bases of life effected the balance you need in order to carry out one's reaction.
That is my life, a serious of equations which, right now, lead up to a final product of Granada, Spain. After that? Well, a whole new set of equations will be set up, new equilibriums found. For now though, I am just trying to solve the basic equilibrium:
End of Summer School---->Spain
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sitting in a closet in the basement.
Alas, I am, in fact, sitting in a closet, in the basement of the College of Education. Its a tiny nook, with a computer, and a chair. Its quiet, peaceful, a little cold, and very awkward (did I mention the door to this closet/room is made of very clean and clear glass so everyone can see me?) Ahh, just how I like it.
Today, I turned in my final time card. I am done working for the College of Education, arguably the best job I have ever had. And now, its totally over. Things are starting to finalize, to solidify, to actualize into the present. And I, like anyone, really, am growing more frightened by the reality of my situation, and the looming monster of my future (albeit a friendly but intimidating monster, more B.F.G. than Frankenstein). Well, here I am, hiding in a closet, in a basement, in a far-off corner of Champaign. It may seem that I am hiding from a tornado, but in fact, I am hiding from change.
I talked on the phone a few days ago with a friend, Kailey, who is also leaving. She, actually, is leaving in less than two weeks, so her situation, far more imminent, is also far more frightening. As we laughed about our future lives, we discussed our shared experience. The fear and the excitement, the moments of awe and shock, the moments of exhilaration and humiliation. All of these things, coming, approaching, hurtling towards us at life-speed. When I think about it, this whole thing, well, its really a coming of age story. This is going to be one of those teen comedies where crass remarks are exchanged, some loser (the foreigner) pines for acceptance (into the new culture) and well, hilarity ensues. Its about growing up, and about walking away, realizing that no, I am not defined by my experiences here, but it will always be part of my life story. Really, its like college, not college in real life, but college before you go to college. You double and triple check your preparedness, you take counsel with those who have gone before you, you take recommendations from those who think they know better, and you talk A LOT about it. You think a lot about it. You worry a lot about it. You try to prepare yourself A LOT for it. But, when it comes down to it, its nothing like you expect. Its a journey that is simultaneously harder and easier than you hope. But you do it.
And that's it. I have to leave my little safety zone, I have to come out of the little nook in the basement, and go outside. I have to leave my little comfort zone, and experience what else there is around me. I have to put myself out there. That is precisely what I don't want to do and exactly what I am going to do.
Today, I turned in my final time card. I am done working for the College of Education, arguably the best job I have ever had. And now, its totally over. Things are starting to finalize, to solidify, to actualize into the present. And I, like anyone, really, am growing more frightened by the reality of my situation, and the looming monster of my future (albeit a friendly but intimidating monster, more B.F.G. than Frankenstein). Well, here I am, hiding in a closet, in a basement, in a far-off corner of Champaign. It may seem that I am hiding from a tornado, but in fact, I am hiding from change.
I talked on the phone a few days ago with a friend, Kailey, who is also leaving. She, actually, is leaving in less than two weeks, so her situation, far more imminent, is also far more frightening. As we laughed about our future lives, we discussed our shared experience. The fear and the excitement, the moments of awe and shock, the moments of exhilaration and humiliation. All of these things, coming, approaching, hurtling towards us at life-speed. When I think about it, this whole thing, well, its really a coming of age story. This is going to be one of those teen comedies where crass remarks are exchanged, some loser (the foreigner) pines for acceptance (into the new culture) and well, hilarity ensues. Its about growing up, and about walking away, realizing that no, I am not defined by my experiences here, but it will always be part of my life story. Really, its like college, not college in real life, but college before you go to college. You double and triple check your preparedness, you take counsel with those who have gone before you, you take recommendations from those who think they know better, and you talk A LOT about it. You think a lot about it. You worry a lot about it. You try to prepare yourself A LOT for it. But, when it comes down to it, its nothing like you expect. Its a journey that is simultaneously harder and easier than you hope. But you do it.
And that's it. I have to leave my little safety zone, I have to come out of the little nook in the basement, and go outside. I have to leave my little comfort zone, and experience what else there is around me. I have to put myself out there. That is precisely what I don't want to do and exactly what I am going to do.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I almost cried, almost.
So, I have this really weird thing...something, I actually do not think I have EVER told ANYONE.....
in the mornings, I cry.
First off, to clarify, I am not a 'crier.'Although when I was young I will admit I was a 'cry-baby' I have out grown my ways, and now crying is a rarity for me. I mean, tears will be shed, but they are never uncalled for and I never utilize tears for pity's sake. When I cry, it is because I am upset, or really angry, but mainly because I am upset. There is, however, one exception: sometimes in the mornings I have an inexplicable need to bawl my eyes out.
It's this very, VERY strange habit of mine, and I cannot truly explain it, but I will try. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, and I have enough time, I watch television. I will take some time out, and watch part of the Today show, or if it's later in the morning, Oprah. Well, sometimes, even if it's something stupid, I feel this mysterious itching sensation right behind my eyeballs, and while I try to ignore it, it often shivers down my back. That weird feeling? Why, I do believe its an almost incomprehensible urge to cry.
Over what, you may ask? Oh, well, there is quite a range, from images of babies (yup, just babies, or baby animals, those really don't have to be doing anything, just sitting around, looking adorable) to people getting married, anything Ms. Winfrey discusses gets my tear ducts working, EHarmony commercials can overpower me, and today? Well, it was Samantha Brown's trip to Portugal on the Travel Channel.
Yes. It almost...ALMOST made me cry. Now, I think the obvious connection is that Portugal, in my mind, and geographically, is VERY closely intertwined with Spain. Well, when I see this woman, on her own, walking the streets of Lisbon (which is clearly a place made for me, I mean, Liz-Bon...c'mon, c'mon!), I think of my future experiences, growing nearer and more real by the day, and well, that itch-shiver combination strikes again. I held it back, I always do, but I did ALMOST cry during a Travel Channel special.
And now, my secret is revealed. Weird, right?
in the mornings, I cry.
First off, to clarify, I am not a 'crier.'Although when I was young I will admit I was a 'cry-baby' I have out grown my ways, and now crying is a rarity for me. I mean, tears will be shed, but they are never uncalled for and I never utilize tears for pity's sake. When I cry, it is because I am upset, or really angry, but mainly because I am upset. There is, however, one exception: sometimes in the mornings I have an inexplicable need to bawl my eyes out.
It's this very, VERY strange habit of mine, and I cannot truly explain it, but I will try. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, and I have enough time, I watch television. I will take some time out, and watch part of the Today show, or if it's later in the morning, Oprah. Well, sometimes, even if it's something stupid, I feel this mysterious itching sensation right behind my eyeballs, and while I try to ignore it, it often shivers down my back. That weird feeling? Why, I do believe its an almost incomprehensible urge to cry.
Over what, you may ask? Oh, well, there is quite a range, from images of babies (yup, just babies, or baby animals, those really don't have to be doing anything, just sitting around, looking adorable) to people getting married, anything Ms. Winfrey discusses gets my tear ducts working, EHarmony commercials can overpower me, and today? Well, it was Samantha Brown's trip to Portugal on the Travel Channel.
Yes. It almost...ALMOST made me cry. Now, I think the obvious connection is that Portugal, in my mind, and geographically, is VERY closely intertwined with Spain. Well, when I see this woman, on her own, walking the streets of Lisbon (which is clearly a place made for me, I mean, Liz-Bon...c'mon, c'mon!), I think of my future experiences, growing nearer and more real by the day, and well, that itch-shiver combination strikes again. I held it back, I always do, but I did ALMOST cry during a Travel Channel special.
And now, my secret is revealed. Weird, right?
Friday, July 25, 2008
My Dream...
I fell alseep while reading, only to wake up to the most frightening dream I had ever had.
While sitting in a row, at what seemed like a hospital, my ENTIRE family, (sisters, cousins, aunt, uncle, parents) watched a baby die on live television. I will not go into graphic detail, but it was incredibly disturbing. As soon as I could, I googled it meaning, this is what I found.
To see a dead baby in your dream, symbolizes the ending of something that is part of you
It is about talents or potentials that you allowed to die, or should have developed but you didn't put the time in to it....Or could also be a project or a plan that you were working on, and either you didn't follow through on it, or others discouraged you from it....
Baby can represent a hope or expectation you had carried in your heart or mind for a long time and it finally came about or was birthed forth. But the baby being dead symbolizes that the expectation or hope that was birth forth is dead or did not pan out. For example, you thought about dating a guy for a long time. Then it finally happen, but it did not last long. It died out quickly.
Babies represent things that are "New". Death represents the "End". You have been learning or doing something that is new for you. You are fearful of the new thing (baby) ending (dead). You are afraid of not being able to learn or be successful in the new thing.
Seeing as recent events have unfolded/will unfold. this dream, and it's meaning, are really scaring me with their accuracy. All I know I wish I didn't dream what I did.
While sitting in a row, at what seemed like a hospital, my ENTIRE family, (sisters, cousins, aunt, uncle, parents) watched a baby die on live television. I will not go into graphic detail, but it was incredibly disturbing. As soon as I could, I googled it meaning, this is what I found.
To see a dead baby in your dream, symbolizes the ending of something that is part of you
It is about talents or potentials that you allowed to die, or should have developed but you didn't put the time in to it....Or could also be a project or a plan that you were working on, and either you didn't follow through on it, or others discouraged you from it....
Baby can represent a hope or expectation you had carried in your heart or mind for a long time and it finally came about or was birthed forth. But the baby being dead symbolizes that the expectation or hope that was birth forth is dead or did not pan out. For example, you thought about dating a guy for a long time. Then it finally happen, but it did not last long. It died out quickly.
Babies represent things that are "New". Death represents the "End". You have been learning or doing something that is new for you. You are fearful of the new thing (baby) ending (dead). You are afraid of not being able to learn or be successful in the new thing.
Seeing as recent events have unfolded/will unfold. this dream, and it's meaning, are really scaring me with their accuracy. All I know I wish I didn't dream what I did.
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