A Lot and A Little

After soaking in the glorious distraction of non-stop NBC Olympic coverage, rooting for America, or, some sort of underdog team, or just Walter Dix's awesome hair, I have suddenly come to the realization that I will be leaving VERY VERY SOON!

Yes. And I have done close to nothing about it. I have said "Adios" to my friends, skimmed a few old Spanish notes, sat in my room glaring at the mass of old and new clothes adorning in the floor in a tauntingly catastrophic heap, and yet, I feel I am completely no where near where I am supposed to be in relation to where I actually am in life, in packing, in emotion, etc.

I've talked with a few friends who are away from me, who I said physical goodbyes to months ago, but who now exist as voices coming out of my cell phone. And they, they seem more prepared for my voyage than I. Calling, asking "so, aren't you excited? nervous? packed? what are your plans?!?" And I respond....with a mumble of fear mingling with excitement, a nervous reply riddled with fear and did I mention, fear? Yes. I am scared, very scared. Soon all my friends and family will turn into photos, voices, and typed words, their physical entity so far from me that I will be entirely alone on many levels. I know they will not disappear, but their presence will transform from solid mass to airy essence. Smiles will becomes words. Hugs will become whispers. Faces will become still photographs. It will be difficult for me, a person who considers strong emotional connections with the few she loves near and dear, arguably the most important element of her young life, to deal without what has almost entirely defined me.


I realized while driving with my mother that my fears are not those of horrible catastrophic events, although the SpanAir accident a week before I am set to board a SpanAir plane was a bit unsettling. Instead my fears stem from my own vanity.

I am scared to look to stupid, to look weird, to be foreign, to look unlike myself and be constantly misunderstood, both lingually and philosophically. I am scared to look dumber, fatter, uglier, and duller than I am in American. Don't get me wrong, I do not consider myself a beauty, I am definitely not thin, or particularly exciting or smart, but in a new context, all of my characteristics will be lessened. Like a new lens altering every aspect of an image, the new culture will change my own self-definition, by changing how everyone around me sees me. It has taken a lot of time for me to really, at least minimally, get myself, to at least moderately feel comfortable with my nerdy personality, but in a new context, it will be a new struggle for self definition. And really, a struggle with my own vanity.